She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
