We named our party play list daddy issues
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
