So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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