Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
