His hands were made for my vagina.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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