Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
