I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
