Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
