I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
