I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
