Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Congratulations! We have a period
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
