Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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