shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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