Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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