some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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