Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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