and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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