So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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