i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
