just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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