he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
