from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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