Just fell off a train. Bad.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
