The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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