OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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