I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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