Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Randomize
