Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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