I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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