Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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