How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
