glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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