Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
