The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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