you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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