Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
