i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
