I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
