She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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