Your face is a jimmy john
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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