just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
