i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
