so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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