The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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