Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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