i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
