And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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