She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
