I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
