on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
