My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Congratulations! We have a period
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