I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
