i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
