Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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