You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize