Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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