that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
